How do? My name’s Rob Graham and I’m one of those rare creatures known as a male erotic romance writer. Pleased to meet you. And thanks to the ladies at Naughty and Spice for allowing me this chance to do a guest spot on their blog.
It took me a bit to determine what I wanted to talk about. My decision was to examine something that has been a constant in romance and it’s a constant that I think needs to be changed.
My thoughts on this matter first start to crystalize a few years ago when Maureen Dowd complained in print about the shortage of men. Since I’m a guy and I personally think Ms. Dowd is a very attractive woman my first thought was “I’d go out with you.”
I quickly realized that wasn’t likely to happen. There’s the physical distance involved, of course. But more importantly was the fact that I’m far below her on the social ladder. That’s when it struck me. Ms. Dowd wasn’t complaining about a shortage of men. She was complaining about a shortage of men at or above her on the social scale.
That thought stayed in my mind for a while, percolating. Then a blog entry I read here on Naughty and Spice earlier this year got me actively thinking about it again.
This post talked about the role of feminism in romance and how feminism changed romance. Thirty years ago, from what I know for I don’t read a lot of romance, women tended to have fairly defined roles in romance. They usually had the roles reserved for women, which tended to be low on the totem pole.
Over time this changed. The feminist ideal started to come to pass. Nowadays women in both life and romance fill many, many more roles. A female executive, a professor, a lawyer, even jobs like say, fire jumper or EMT are common. Personally, I like this a lot.
However one thing hasn’t changed from what I know. Women, in both life and romances, still end up with a man at or more commonly above them on the social scale. The executive gets attached to the CEO. The professor with the head of her department. The fire jumper with her platoon leader. And the EMT with the emergency room doctor.
Which leads me to wonder I’ve got to wonder, “In this day and age. why?”
If women are equal to men, if they can make the same choices, why can’t they choose from all the man out there? If it’s all right for a man with power to fall for the maid who cleans his hotel room why can’t a woman end up with the janitor who cleans her office?
Such a thing would be good for men as well. We often have the opposite problem as women. We tend to pick women below us on the scale. I’m not sure this is a good thing. It’s a sign that our egos are getting in the way of our happiness. We’re so unsure we can handle a strong woman that we involve ourselves with women we might not be that happy with rather than risk our pride.
So perhaps it’s time for we romance writers to change that. Maybe we should start writing stories where the characters hook up not for social reasons or for reasons of power dynamics, but because they care for one another. It would be good for women if they read of characters who really were free to be what they wanted. And it would be good for men to see that getting into a relationship with a woman more successful than them doesn’t emasculate them.
Hey, we could change the world!
And as long as I’m here, I’ll promote my latest book. Breaking The Covenants is a vampire romance. My coauthor and I took our vampires back to their Gothic roots for it’s set in Europe just before the French Revolution. Lady Marguerite Giffard is the last living member of her noble house and the flower of The Season in London. Ritter Gunther von Wittershiem has been a vampire since the Thirty Years War. He is visiting London and hiding from his past. The two of them meet at a Royal Ball and their lives become intimately entwined.
You could say this book is an example of what I talked about for Marguerite is much higher on the social scale than Gunther. There’s that whole vampirism thing to deal with as well.
Check out my webpage to read an excerpt and to check out my other books.
And just to add a little spice, everyone that comments on my entry will be entered in a draw. Tomorrow I’ll randomly pick a name and they will receive a copy of Breaking The Covenants.
It was nice talking to every one. Thanks once again to the ladies of Naughty and Spice for this opportunity.
Inez Kelley
December 11th, 2009 at
12:12 am
And this is another reason why I love Rob. He makes you think and question! I agree and he is right, times have changed but this area still persists. I do the think there are a lot of equal society positions out there in Romancelandia but many are uneven as he says. Perhaps it is the perception of masculinity equating to success. Food for thought. Good stuff!
Sheila
December 11th, 2009 at
7:01 am
Perhaps due to our upbringing on classic fairytales that promote the idea that the handsome Prince Charming will rescue us from our plight, we look for that in every man whether or not it is politically correct.
I have read the feminist argument against the fairytale brainwashing,yet I think deep down in all women there are esteem issues that play a part. Whether it be looks, weight, money, validity, or something painful from the past, every woman comes to the social scene with some baggage. Some are just better at hiding it than others. In today’s marketing world, women, and especially the younger crowd, have a hard time identifying with the perception of what is acceptable. I find the hardest thing to teach my children is that it is okay to be themselves and stay true to who they are deep down inside, rather than change to become what the “crowd” thinks is acceptable.
I think for women/ladies/girls, we all sort of want the man that will “rescue” us from our own perceived deficiency. For me it was that my husband made me laugh at myself and realize that I could be loved by a nice guy as a priority, not secondary to a bottle of whiskey.
Regardless, I still own all the Disney movies for my daughters, and tell them that Daddy is my Prince Charming.
Likewise, I think it’s going to take much more than a feminist movement to stop our men from teaching their sons to be strong and to take care of the women.
However, it would be refreshing to read about the CEO falling in love with a construction worker (not the owner of the construction company), and it’s more than her being with the “bad boy image”, like maybe she witnesses him saving another worker from serious injury or a child from a moving truck or something….
Rob Graham
December 11th, 2009 at
7:56 am
Thanks Inez.
Good thoughts, Sheila. The idea of ‘rescuing’ is one that holds a lot of strength in our culture. Looking back on my own stories that is a very constant theme.
sadangel
December 11th, 2009 at
8:05 am
Commenting but NOT entering the contest!
Great blog Rob. You do get people to thinking. Just had to come and say Way to GO!
Michael
December 11th, 2009 at
8:37 am
Good morning Rob. I love your guest blog here. I’ve seen a couple of things I’ve been guilty of in my writing as well, something to be more aware of in the future. Like you, I’m a man that enjoys writing erotic romance. And I love putting my heroines in non-traditional roles, including a surgeon and a fighter pilot. Keep up the good work bro.
Michael
Rob Graham
December 11th, 2009 at
8:51 am
Thanks, Michael.
I’ve done a few non-traditional heroines myself. They’re fun to write.
MamaKitty
December 11th, 2009 at
9:57 am
Honestly this is something I’ve thought about a few times over the years. I’ve been reading romance novels since I was about 13 (which, coincidentally, is 13 years ago), and I’ve noticed that women DO hold a certain type of role and typically end up with a man who’s higher up on the social/economic ladder than she is. While it’s a nice little fairytale fantasy that a big strong man will come sweep us off our feet, I prefer to do things for myself and always have. I don’t subscribe to all the feminist theories (sorry if this makes me a bad female), but I do feel like anything you can do I can do better (or equally as well). I take care of my daughter, I pay the bills, and I take care of the handiwork around the house. Do I like it when a man does things for me? Absolutely! Who doesn’t love to be taken care of every once in a while? Do I rely on my Prince Charming to come rescue me? Absolutely not! Do I want my romance novels to change it up and be a little more realistic? ….I don’t know. I read romance to escape reality. Reality isn’t fun. Fantasy is. I might like to see a high-powered woman CEO find love with a simple everyday man (I.E. a construction worker), but until an author decides that’s the direction they wanna go, I’ll keep reading my favorites.
Kristine Cayne
December 11th, 2009 at
11:09 am
Hi Rob,
This was a fantastic thought-provoking post that I will definitely keep in mind when writing my own stories. As writers we do need to challenge ourselves and ask the deep questions such as you have done today.
Thank you!
Kristine
Rob Graham
December 11th, 2009 at
11:21 am
Thank you, Mama. Myself I prefer to use the term ‘humanism’. In my mind any limitation on one part of humanity is a limitation on me. Both men and women’s lives are circumscribed by the roles assigned them in society.
An important concept for me is balance. And my thought is that a good partner balances you out. When we are forced by our roles to attach ourselves to people according to their roles we are more likely to miss out on that balance.
You’re quite right, Kristine. A good writer faces the deep questions and illuminates them with their words. Those questions make for great stories too.
Carly Carson
December 11th, 2009 at
11:30 am
Interesting post. I agree with your point, but I think biology plays a part in how we react to the opposite sex. At the basic level of nature, women needed someone to provide food and protection in order to bear and raise babies successfully. Now that society has moved beyond that very basic need (financial resources are still required from somewhere), it seems that maybe our instincts haven’t caught up. And men have the instinct to go after the most attractive women. (And what’s their excuse, huh?)
So here’s the question: Would it be harder to change men from wanting the most attractive women, or to change women from wanting the most successful men? (You certainly don’t see male novels where the male protagonist has an interest in an unattractive woman.) Anyway, it’s a thought-provoking post.
Rob Graham
December 11th, 2009 at
11:42 am
Hi Carly.
Yes, there is ‘human nature’ to take into account. In biological terms our species hasn’t moved much past the hunting/gathering stage and our instincts are still somewhat stuck there. My thought on the matter is that biology implies, it does not compel.
We, both men and women, can move beyond what our instincts tell us and find traits beyond the physical that make will make a person attractive to us.
I’ve written a couple of stories with, well, not unattractive, but not stunningly beautiful either. I’ve gotten very good feedback on those because it’s easier for people to identify with them. It makes the story more real. Also those stories showed that love and passion aren’t just for the perfect.
Thanks for commenting.
Shelli
December 11th, 2009 at
12:00 pm
Hi, Rob! Thanks for guest blogging at Naughty and Spice. Great to have a Male POV on here! Definitely an interesting post!
I think it’s the escapism and fantasy, which tends to set the standard. In reality, I think there are many women who date/marry men on various levels of the social ladder. But the fantasy (and look at the HQ Present books–they’ve gotta be billionaires! LOL) is a women will find that man who can take care of them. Who will protect them.
Fantasy: woman finds hot, rich guy who love her and only her and they’ll never have to worry about money.
Reality: woman marries guy who she loves, may not be totally hot, social status varies, paying bills can be a struggle.
Seriously, though, I mean, how many times do we see the not so cute rich guy with a hot chick. Kind of the same thing. We all have a fantasy, but I don’t think it’s a reality.
But this does post does remind me of a socialite or something NY who fell in love with the doorman. Or anyone remember that movie Overboard with Goldie Hawn?
Wow I’m just rambling, sorry.
Rob Graham
December 11th, 2009 at
12:46 pm
Don’t sweat it, Shelli. I’m a great rambler myself.
Thanks again for this opportunity.
Linda Henderson
December 11th, 2009 at
3:17 pm
I enjoyed the blog very much. I used to fill in part time at a used bookstore and I had quite a few men come in and buy romance books. They actually read authors I didn’t read. My nephew just started reading romance this year. He is in his 40’s.
Rob Graham
December 11th, 2009 at
3:44 pm
Very cool, Linda. Maybe he’ll learn something.
Casey
December 11th, 2009 at
3:46 pm
Such an interesting blog! I’ve never really thought about the social status in romance novels before.
I must admit that I still like the thought/fantasy of being “rescued”, but at the same time I know I feel uncomfortable around a man who flaunts his designer clothes and his $150,000 income because it makes me feel like I’m lower on the ladder than he is. As if he is telling me he can take care of me.
I guess I’ll just keep drooling over Gerard Butler. No harm in that is there?
Great topic, by the way!
Casey
December 11th, 2009 at
3:47 pm
Yes, Shelli, I remember the movie Overboard with Goldie Hawn. Cute movie
Estella
December 11th, 2009 at
4:22 pm
Interesting post!
Rob Graham
December 11th, 2009 at
5:14 pm
Thanks for commenting, Casey. Those lounge lizards are off putting, aren’t they?
Thank you, Esther.
Rob Graham
December 12th, 2009 at
7:42 am
Thanks for commenting, everyone.
And as promised, I’ve drawn a winner for a copy of ‘Breaking The Covenants’. Okay, I rolled a twenty sided dice until a valid number came up.
And the winner is: MamaKitty! Mama? E-mail me at rgraham666@gmail.com and I’ll send you your prize. Congratulations.