God help any man who gets involved with a romance author. You think it would be easy, right? Bring us flowers on Valentine’s day, take us out for our birthday, put on a warrior costume and “abduct” us once in awhile while screaming Scottish warrior cries. Oh, mon frere. How delusional you are.

Yeah, we’re high maintenance. Or at least, it comes across that way to boys. In actuality, it’s pretty easy. I’ll let you in on a few secrets on keeping a romance author happy.

1) Little things. Example: last night I was watching Gross Point Blank. I sent a text to a man (more on that later) with a random quote from the movie, and he texted back two funny lines. Why is that romantic? Because it shows connection. And a man with a memory, which leads me to point two.

2) Don’t forget. Seriously, that’s the worst. If you say you’re going to do something—call at a certain time, be somewhere when you say you’re going to—you better do it. If you don’t, you’ll have a pissed-off romance author on your hands. Trust me, you really don’t want of of those. Reliability is key.

3) Presents. This isn’t as easy as it seems. Sure, you can do the whole chocolate and flowers on Valentine’s day, but honestly? You’re going to get a lot more points for the random little gift. Personally, I love getting my favorite perfume—the one I actually wear. Sex toys are good, too, but hey. That’s just me. Oh, number four.

4) Sorry, you gotta be good in bed. And if you’re confident to bring a few sex toys into the mix, that’s pretty darn hot.

5) Texts. Nothing cuter than getting little texts during the day stating random shit, like: Thinking of you. I can’t wait to see (fuck) you. I can’t wait to get home, make you dinner, rub your back, give you a pedicure and feed you grapes. You know, it’s the little things.

6) Farting. Now, I don’t care about farting. I would just highly recommend you don’t do it while a romance author is writing some hot sex scene. It’s really annoying. Other than that, who cares? As a friend on Facebook recently stated, everyone flatulates. It’s not even a word, but I like it.

Okay, that’s my short list. What do you have to add? What makes up romance to you?