More and more, I’ve come into contact with people who don’t want an “exclusive relationship.” I include myself in that category. No commitment, just friends. Friends with benefits if you will, or, as I call them benefriends. These can be lovely, satisfying relationships. No strings. Ideally, no one gets hurt. There is always the possibility of someone becoming exclusive with another, and that’s fine. You know that going in, and the reality of such an occurrence is fairly high because, when it comes down to it, people are pack animals and looking for a mate is intrinsic to who we are.
Seems simple, right? You know what’s up, everyone knows what’s up, you get laid, you go home and everything is hunky-dory. In the right circumstances, with the right, mature, like-minded people it works. For example, I have a friend whom I love—as a friend. Sometimes we got busy, but we were more friends than anything. So when he told he had had met a girl they were going to become exclusive, I was more than happy for him. Sad for me, ‘cause now I gotta find a replacement, but still. No hurt feelings, no jealousy. Everything? Hunky-dory.
But here’s the thing. This is not, in actuality, an easy way of life to pull off. I have a theory about it. You want to hear it? Here it goes.
Participating in these types of open-relationships requires balls and a spine and honesty. It also requires maturity and realistic expectations. If you truly care about the people you’re interacting with (and, to a certain extent, you should because, you know, that’s what makes you a good person and all), you need to realize that there just may come a time when someone gets hurt. I have had to back off relationships when someone became too attached, or wanted more than I was willing to give. Was it hard? Um, yeah. But I was open from the front and that’s why honesty is also incredibly important—you can’t go into any situation blindfolded. So yeah, I’ve had to have the balls to break off relationships. But if I hadn’t, if I’d strung that person along, and it would have made me a Bad Person. I also would lose respect for the other person because they a) either think they can change my mine or, even worse, b) are waiting patiently until I change my mind. I never do.
You have to be willing to walk away. You have to be honest and trustworthy. You have to be able to give someone a commitment if they want it, or break it off. This is why people settle. They don’t have the guts, the spine or the maturity to live their life without hurting people.
It’s not easy to have relationships such as I describe. This isn’t polyamory I’m talking about—I’m not referring to true love. Even though I love my partners (or, at the moment, lack thereof) I’m talking about modern love, and the way I see a lot of people my age going about their lives. I think it is due, in part, with the ability for women to behave in more open sexual manner than ever before. I also think it has to do with a lot of people my age (mid 30s) have been involved in long-term relationships and this is about the time a lot of us start breaking up. So we don’t want to jump into another relationship, but we still want to have friends and have sex. So, in a way, we make our lives a lot more complicated by not wanting to make commitments and–and this is the clincher-still be good people.
But, if you are honest, have as spine, and can behave like a grown-up, it works.
Alessia Brio
October 22nd, 2009 at
11:46 am
“Participating in these types of open-relationships requires balls and a spine and honesty. It also requires maturity and realistic expectations.”
Oh, hell YEAH. Add love & commitment to the open-relationship and that’s magnified exponentially.
Feisty
October 22nd, 2009 at
11:50 am
Yeah, which is why I haven’t gone down that road… I don’t know if I can. But, I have a thing called monogamy with benefits, which is a different theory entirely…
Shelli
October 22nd, 2009 at
12:14 pm
You say it well, and you’ve totally got the mindset to do this, Feisty! I think I’ve tried it a couple of time, but then quickly realized I wasn’t cut out for it. I’m the type that gets way too emotionally invested. Of course nowadays, when I have a crazy busy life and some days just wanna…*cough* yeah. I think it could work!
Natasha A.
October 22nd, 2009 at
2:24 pm
I have been sitting here trying to figure out how I want to respond to this. I totally get what you mean, about needing to have a certain mindset. I do and I don’t. Hubby and I have talked about having an open relationship – open in that we would invite people to join US, not one of us individually. We also talk about eventually finding a 3rd – mostly cause then we would have more income and be able to do more stuff
I think that people (SOME people) now have a more open mindset. We don’t see this as depraved and wrong. OR it could be just people are talking about it more.
I used to always believe in monogamy. NOW, I have come to realize (and no, this doesnt’ apply to everyone) that we are not meant to be monogamous. And why should we??
mary
October 22nd, 2009 at
3:07 pm
I’m so happy you brought this up, it’s somehting that goes on everyday and alot of people wither don’t understand it or think it’s wrong when you bring up an “Open Realtionship”. My hubby and I have been in an open relationship for over 10 years and it’s true it really only works if all the people involved are open minded, mature and trust their partners.
Feisty
October 22nd, 2009 at
3:43 pm
Natasha, I always love your commentary.
And I think you and your husband will make the right decisions for you. Personally, I don’t consider myself in any open relationships. I just have a couple of people I hang out with and if something else happens, that’s great. I’ve never had a one-night stand; it’s just not something that appeals to me. Well, there was that one time–that’s five minutes of my life I’ll never get back. 
Anyway, I think the most important thing, when you add that something else, is being honest–with those around you and yourself as well. And know that at any time things could change, because life changes, and so do emotions. So everyone has to be, like Mary said, open-minded, mature and trustworthy.
As for believing in monogamy… That’s a whole other can of worms. This is something that is different for every couple. If I ever “settle down” I know it will be with someone I don’t want to share. At least, not if I’m not there.
Feisty
October 22nd, 2009 at
3:45 pm
And believe me, my opinion is coming from mistakes I have made, and not having a backbone to leave a relationship when I should have. And that lack of a spine is why a lot of people “settle”.
R.G. Alexander
October 22nd, 2009 at
4:15 pm
I think this is very interesting-and I certainly fantasize about open relationships (look how many menages I write lol)
As for myself…I’m pretty possessive of my mancakes. And Cookie has very strong feelings about fidelity and monogamy. He doesn’t judge anyone else, but he’s very clear that he doesn’t want to share.
Unless I’m kissing a girl and he gets to watch. LMAO
I’m still working on a tenth anniversary threesome-we’ll see what happens.
Feisty
October 22nd, 2009 at
4:17 pm
There comes a time where you have to make the decision to risk something or leave it up to your imagination. I mean, some of the things I fantasize about?
Yeah. Definitely better left to the imagination!! That’s what porn’s for.
Kate Pearce
October 22nd, 2009 at
4:30 pm
I think in theory its great and I also think that honesty etc, all the things you mentioned, are at the very heart of it working. (And I’ve seen examples of it working just fine.
)
My main concern, is that most people aren’t honest with themselves about sex and relationships and go into open relationships without really understanding themselves or their real desires, so they get hurt. It’s hard for most people to shake off thousands of years of social and biological conditioning.
I also believe, from talking to my teenage kids, that there’s a lot of pressure on young women to ‘hook up’ with a guy in an open relationship and that they’ll just be able to walk away and laugh about it.
Of course, then they are subject to that great double-standard that most males adhere to, that the girl is okay to hook up with, but not to date exclusively, because obviously, she’s a slut for putting out. Gotta love those double standards and mixed messages for our girls.
So, yeah-okay for older, mature, honest people who understand their sexual needs but hard for the sexually immature majority and teenagers.
Feisty
October 22nd, 2009 at
4:35 pm
Gotta love that double standard, right? And excuse me? Teenagers in open relationships?? Um, what?
fallon hadley
October 22nd, 2009 at
7:55 pm
Your take on benefriends is dead on, correct.
Sadly, I always seemed to become attatched to my benefriends. Never meaning to of course. But I usually did, none the less.
It hurt when it happened. Not only did I loose the great sex but more importantly, I lost the friendship.
In a wierd kind of cosmic way, the one man that I told myself I would not become attatched to, is the one I ended up marrying.
I tried to play the game but he wore me down. We were friends for three years before we ever ended up doing the horizontal polka. In fact, before we ever had sex, he told me we would be married. I laughed right in his face.
Guess he got the last laugh.
Thanks,
Fallon H.
Feisty
October 22nd, 2009 at
8:28 pm
Fallon, that is a truly romantic story. *sigh*
The one downfall to the benefriend thing is there is, generally, zilch romance involved. They guys basically start to see you as well, one of the guys, since you can kinda think like them. Thoughtfulness seems to go out the window, and that can kinda get depressing. But nothing’s perfect. Frankly, I think it’s sweet that your husband cared enough to ware you down! That, my dear, is romantic.
mary
October 24th, 2009 at
7:18 pm
Fallon, that is very romantic.