Or my snobby ass will never date you….and here’s why…..

1. You can’t read.

So, I have this personal ad up and sometimes men write me. Except I’m having a few problems….you see, I’m not looking for a husband, I’m not looking for true love. I’m looking for someone to have fun with. Men who write me and are looking for the love of their life OBVIOUSLY Can’t read. Or they wouldn’t have written me in the first place.

2. You have no picture on your profile

We live in a visual world. Get over it.

3. You can’t be bothered to fill out your profile (AND You have no picture).

Look, dude, if I can take the time to write something semi-witty, so can you. Your basic stats won’t endear me to you. I don’t care how tall you are, whether you drink, etc…to a point. I DO care about what you’re looking for (and to be perfectly honest, how well you can express yourself).

4. In your first email you ask me for my phone number and where I live.

Look, dude, this is the internetz. It’s filled with predators and you could be a pedophile. I’m NOT going to give you my address and phone number right off the bat. Get a clue. And if my repeated requests to know more about you are ignored.

5. Your response is written in internet speak.

The ONLY person who gets away with internet shorthand when *speaking* to me is my child and it still drives me batshit crazy. You are a 40 year old man (or thereabouts), please save yourself the embarrassment and use basic English.

6. You are completely illiterate and shouldn’t even be allowed to own a computer.

Look, dude, box it up and take it back to Wal Mart. I’m surprised you can even turn the damned thing on because it’s obvious you can’t read or write so the directions are totally lost on you. Case in point: A REAL (swear) response I got from a dude on a personal ad site.

hi,how are u, im jeff, im from arlington,nice to meet u baby,where do you live in arlington ,? can u give me your phone number for call u

On my first read through I thought
On my second read through I tried to decipher it.
On the third read-through I started critiquing it.
On the fourth, my head went splody!

Then a few days later, I got this:

can i look y to day,im in arlington and u its right,its not far,my house in center and u?

Are you SHITTING ME? What the hell? Are you like TEN?

Yes, I am enough of a snob to think that a fireman not to mention a 30 year old man (per his handle) should be, at the least, semi-literate. Don’t firefighters have to have college courses? You can’t SPELL, you have NO CLUE about basic punctuation–and I’m A WRITER. Dude, get a remedial English course like yesterday!

7. You think I must be desperate.

Just because I’m on some personal site looking for someone to date, doesn’t mean I’m desperate. I’ve held out this long…I can hold out until you finish that remedial reading class.

Please feel free to share my misery!

Seriously. I used to think I loved new gadgets and stuff. But lately? Not so much. I mean, I got that new Mac, right? And I’m still going a little crazy. Seriously, some of the simplest stuff I can’t figure out. Like I have this cd with a movie on it my niece made (well, pictures with a music slide show type movie) and I want to upload it to youtube. I cannot figure out how. I put it in the cd drive, tried to upload it…but when I click on CD it breaks what’s on the CD down into like six other things! What!? This is just one of many problems I’m trying to figure out.

And when I bought my Mac I got a free Ipod Touch. At first I was all excited, then indifferent and didn’t even open it for almost a month. Then I opened it and got excited (with the help of my niece) and now I pretty much…hate it. I mean you have to touch the screen to do anything (and yes I realize that’s the point). But when I’m working out, do you know how annoying it’s going to be to reach up and slide my finger over it when a song’s too low? And it’s big and long (which is good for some things and not others.) For both my Mac and my touch I’ve had to Google how to do things. Like…oh how to even turn off my Ipod touch. Or how to adjust the volume. And on the Mac, how to do a right click since it doesn’t exist. *Sigh* I actually sometimes feel (and don’t hate me) that I’ve had to dumb down a bit to use a Mac. I kind of miss the PC. But not always, there are some things I love about Macs. They turn on and off fast. Don’t get too hot.

Yes, I’m sure I’m probably looking like the biggest idiot right now, and that’s fine. I’ll take the title. You know what I just did? I went and grabbed my nice Ipod Nano and uploaded my new workout playlist onto it. And it’s such a relief…so nice. Sometimes technology is just too much. If I was seventy I would by one of those grandmothers whose never sent an email. Maybe there’s still hope for me….

Yes, this is more of a rant post. I’m having a bad night (I think mostly I’m usually bordering on liking the stuff!) So feel free to ignore, sympathize, compare stories. Or you can say…

“Hey, Shelli, and learn how to do technology.”

Oh! Before I go, check out my new workout playlist. I like to mix it up  

• Ray of Light ~ Madonna
• Stupid Girl ~ Garbage
• Dreams ~ The Cranberries
• Stronger ~ Kanye West
• Twisted ~ Lambert, Hendricks & Ross
• Walk Like an Egyptian ~ The Bangles
• Because We Can ~ Fatboy Slim/Moulin Rouge
• Head Over Heels ~ Tears for Fears
• Judith ~ A Perfect Circle
• I Kissed a Girl ~ Katy Perry
• 4 Minutes ~ Madonna & Justin Timberlake
• We Got the Beat ~ The Go-Go’s
• Pride (In The Name Of Love) ~ U2
• White Wedding ~ Billy Idol
• Say You’ll Be There ~ Spice Girls
• Who Wouldn’t Want To Be Me ~  Keith Urban
• Caribbean Blue ~ Enya

Because everyone uses individually packaged coffee creamer at home.   :yes:

Its one of my favorite parts of being an author. I love the anticipation of getting the cover. The worry that it might be awful, but the expectation that it could be fabulous.

When my editor sent me the cover to my first Kensington Aphrodisia release, The Pleasure of His Bed, even he said it was a great cover. The wonderful part about being in an anthology is that I got to share the cover with the other two authors. And we promptly gushed back and forth over it for a week. I’ve had readers and booksellers alike email me to comment on the cover. I’ll admit, it was mostly over the guy and not the color. lol.

We’ve all seen those bad covers that make us wince. Yet, I can still name the covers that have stayed with me to this day, the covers where I picked up the book and didn’t bother to read the back blurb. The cover alone sold me. Case in point, Karen Marie Moning’s THE DARK HIGHLANDER. I’m a sucker for Highlanders and I love writing about them, so the title grabbed me. But that deliciously yummy cover caught my eye and I had to have the book.

Same for Johanna Lindsey’s MAN OF MY DREAMS. Say what you want to about Fabio, but the man had a body!

I know there are many, many romance covers out there, but I’m a sucker for a clinch cover. Give me a hot guy or a couple in a heated embrace and it’ll draw my attention every time.

What draws your attention? Do you have a favorite cover that even know you can give a detailed description of it? Tell me about it and you could win an autographed copy of THE PLEASURE OF HIS BED!

Thank you, Shelli, for asking me to come blog today! 

hugs,

D

http://www.donnagrant.com

Feisty’s still in Paris, but you can swing by her blog for pics and stories!

http://lillianfeisty.com/blog/

What would YOU do if you had unlimited money? Would you spend it like mad? Keep your life relatively the same? Give to the poor? Buy a designer tank top for $500?

Speaking of $500 tank tops, I saw a Chanel one in a magazine back in the ’80s with that price tag. I remember being aghast. Shocked. I was probably 17 or 18 and I couldn’t believe it. Still can’t.

Okay I went off topic. Anywho, if I had unlimited funds first of all, I would tell my husband to quit his stress-inducing job. Then we would travel. A lot. I wouldn’t move. I like my house. Though I would fix it up like crazy and hire a (hunky) gardener. And make him walk around my yard shirtless. Yeah that sounds nice…

I don’t think I would spend crazily. Okay yes I would. But I wouldn’t buy $500 tank tops. Would I?

No I don’t think I so…

What would YOU do?

Yes I know I would shop. A lot. I can admit it…

From Hollywood Reporter:*Tom Everett Scott and Arija Bareikis have joined the cast of NBC’s drama pilot “LAPD.”

In the WBTV-produced ensemble cop show from executive producer John Wells,Scott will play Russell, a cop and father of three married to a blogger.

Tom Everett Scott was in the TV show SAVED–canceled and I loved it. Apparently, “Blogger” is now considered a profession! Who knew!

Thoughts?

And so I don’t completely bore you…..here’s another TMI Tuesday:

1. What is the strangest thing you have ever inserted or seen inserted (in a sexual manner) in person?

Corn–SEEN!!!!! SEEN!!!!!!! Gave a whole new meaning to corn on the cob slathered in butter too

2. Have you ever had sex anyone whose name started with a J?

PROBABLY

3. Have you ever been outside completely naked?

YES

4. Do you prefer music, tv, or other noise in the background when you have sex?

Yeah, that way ifI get bored, I can just watch TV

5. Have you ever used ice for sexual purposes?

*flips through memory banks* YES

Bonus: Have you ever been propositioned for group sex?

Sadly No

——-
*god I’m such a TARD!!!!!