I lost my penis, my vibrator, but in the end it’s sweet music…
So we’ve all been to them. Those parties where a fun little elephant exchange occurs. Well, Thursday night we had our holiday party for the Seattle RWA chapter. We always have a fun little elephant exchange, only you can’t open the present until everyone’s taken or stolen one. And we make it a bit more…interesting. We have one little rule of thumb. It’s all about the wrapping.
By some stroke of luck, I happened to draw the card that got to go first! I stepped up to the table of presents, perusing my options. But there it was. My gaze was drawn right to it. The diamond in the rough. The one gift that just screamed….Shelli, pick me, it’s been too long since we’ve been together! Yes. I grabbed the penis.
It was love at first site. The manhood and I formed a bond that I assumed to be impregnable. But, alas, I was wrong. My penis was indeed taken from me–rather aggressively, might I add. I was devastated–as any woman who finds herself suddenly lacking a member would be.
I was forced to go in search of another gift. Something that would fill the empty void left by the stolen love wand. And then I saw it. It seemed to good to be true. The gift that kept on giving (batteries not included). That would indeed rock my world. *Choir singing Hallelujah* I went and picked up my next gift that promised to please.
But even though I’d chosen a gift I assumed no one else wanted, I was once again wrong. So very wrong. They came out of the woodwork, those eager to take away my silver bullet. And so I realized it was a sign. A sign that I needed to leave behind the adult themed gifts, and pick up something fabulously creative.
The next gift I took was wrapped in someone’s contest entry from the Emerald City Opener. So creative and bold. Too bold it seemed, and I knew our time together would be short.
Without the contest entry wrapped present, I resumed my search. In the end, I went for simplicity and beauty. A small box wrapped with the most beautiful ribbon…and because I was the third to steal the box, it was indeed mine. So I plucked the ribbons, drew open the box, and in the end…music, sweet music. Thanks, Heather Davis!
December 10th, 2007 at 12:20 am
OMG!! Those ornament exchanges are nasty. I always bring my boxing gloves.
December 10th, 2007 at 4:15 am
OMG! Shelli I couldn’t help but laugh what a great funny post. Sorry about the first two prizes being stolen that sucks. The third one does look nice I hope you enjoy the music
Hugssss
LindaH
December 10th, 2007 at 4:45 am
rasta
Maybe you’d like my studly calendar. NOT! It has an honored place in my office. Research, ya know.
December 10th, 2007 at 7:44 am
Hehe. That pic with you and the penis is classic!
December 10th, 2007 at 8:13 am
Ah, what a great post. I wish I could have been there! Those presents look like a blast.
December 10th, 2007 at 10:38 am
OMG- I can’t believe how big that was! How was the person able to get it through the door!! I’m still crying from this post.
December 10th, 2007 at 10:54 am
why the hell were they stolen form you?? i dont get it =(
December 10th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Ahh, going to a Dirty Santa party myself this week. They are always more fun after a couple of drinks. I adore my wine glasses from last year.
Glad it turned out well.
December 10th, 2007 at 11:14 am
I can’t immagine what would have happened if someone had shown up wtih “Toys” at our RWA christmas party
Next year you know to leave the penis until it’s been touched last….and hit someone with a later number over the head and steal it!
December 10th, 2007 at 11:14 am
PS I stole someone’s iTunes gift card!!!
December 10th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Yeah, but we had the NRH police at our party!
December 10th, 2007 at 11:22 am
Getting stuff is a serious contact sport with you ladies, isn’t it? ;)
December 10th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
LMAO that is hilarious.
That pic of you and your first gift shoud circulate te net with the caption “Size MATTERS! See the smile?”
December 10th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
The penis gift is hilarious! Too bad you didn’t get to keep it but hey, at least you have a pic of the two of you. Together.
Those gift exchanges can get CRAZY. People are nuts.
But fun. Hee hee… 
December 10th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
How funny. Sorry you lost your penis.
December 10th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
Thanks everyone! It WAS a little fun and crazy at times. But I wouldn’t have it any other way
They’re too much fun!
Ayla, in an elephant exchange every has a turn in picking the gifts. They can either pick an untaken gift, or steal from someone else. A gift can only be stolen three times before it’s out of play and gets to be opened. Or that’s the way we play.
December 10th, 2007 at 2:39 pm
A little while ago I got some spam about making your penis so long you could hit someone with it. I thought they were kidding …
December 10th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
LOL Bailey!! If I ever saw a real one like this, I’d RUN. And I’d run fast.
December 10th, 2007 at 7:39 pm
Oh, Shelli, that’s a beautiful penis! I’m sorry you didn’t get to keep it :-(
I went to a party on Saturday that had a white elephant exchange. I walked in with the game Cranium, and walked out with a multipack of K-Y massage oils. I consider myself the winner
December 10th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
I would have been saddened to get the KY. No use for them.
December 10th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
I miss seeing the penis on top of my desk!!! Who finally ended up with it? I think we should recycle the wrappings next year, don’t you?
December 10th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
I still don’t understand why the final winner of the penis wouldn’t strap it on and model it for us!
December 10th, 2007 at 9:15 pm
Ahhh…those vicious holiday games. In my dad’s family we call it Dirty Santa and only those 18 years and older are allowed to play. The children must leave the room at play time and you must wear protective gear. we play with a couple of twists. The rules are that each gift can only be stolen 3 times. 1 is the person that picks it, 2 is the next person that steals it, and the 3rd steal and it’s yours. Or so you hope! The person who is #1 gets to go again at the end of the game so they will have the opportunity to steal. So as you can guess the #1 spot is highly coveted and cheating has been known to occur. Each year my husband and I plot our moves so that we can get the one thing that we really want. Which seems like it would work but so does everyone else.
December 10th, 2007 at 9:21 pm
Shelli…if you had gotten to keep that ginormous penis, there is a good chance you would have needed the multi-pack of KY too.
December 10th, 2007 at 10:52 pm
LOL Sounds like a fun game, Shelli. Like Ayla I hadn’t heard of it before either. Sigh…I obviously live a sheltered life
December 11th, 2007 at 12:39 am
Too fun! A silver bullet! I love it. You’d never see one of those (or the, um, penis) at the gift exchanges I frequent, lolol…
December 11th, 2007 at 12:43 am
Rosamond! I’m not sure who ended up with it. What was in it?! I was out of the room!
December 11th, 2007 at 1:06 am
What?
You mean it wasn’t a penis?
I have visions of socks down the pants and tissues in the bra. Oh the diappointment of it all.
December 11th, 2007 at 1:06 am
Oh, my. That’s hilarious. But, alas, we always have Amie to brighten our evenings. Nice red and blue flashing lights - along with two rather nice looking cops. Wonder why they wouldn’t stick around afterward???
December 11th, 2007 at 1:08 am
I kept insisting that if I won it, I wouldn’t open it!! LOL.
December 11th, 2007 at 1:09 am
Ooooh, Lynn, I heard about that. Yummy cops came by did they? Sssh. Actually, I think Amie’s blogging about this tomorrow!
December 11th, 2007 at 3:57 am
Shelli,
The penis contained “Muse Encouraging Tools”. The pink feather “pubic hair” is to tickle a lazy muse into action. If that fails there was a small flogger to flog the blood muse into action!
December 11th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Looks like a great time was had by all…including the penis who got felt out by all the women!