The Nitty Gritty
First of all, I have to apologize for not being around much this week. A brand new Imac has finally replaced my poor, old, ten-inch laptop!!! Can you say twenty-inch screen? But it’s taken me a while to transfer everything over, and I lost a few emails in the process. I also lost all my email addresses so I have to manually add them all back. Oh well. Did I mention the twenty-inch screen? And it’s fast. I have no idea why, but it is.
Anyway. What I want to discuss today is pubic hair.
So. We all have our little extravagances, right? Some of us get bi-weekly pedicures, some of us get our hair colored every so often. My little extravagance is facials. I get one about every eight weeks or so. Needless to say, over the past few years, I’ve gotten to know my esthetician pretty well. She makes my face look as good as possible. She steams me, scrubs me, molds my brows with an artistic hand. Last month we started talking about bikini waxing and I told her I’ve never had a bikini wax before.
She was appalled. She started telling me about how much easier it was to get waxed, how the hair follicles become fainter with every session, how clean a girl feels afterwards. So I agreed to schedule an appointment to have my first wax job. I mean, I like to be clean as much as the next girl. Clean and pure, that’s me.
So I made my bush whack rendezvous for a few weeks later. Meanwhile, I had to grow the thing out, to give her some leverage and all. It was annoying, but I did it. Finally, the big day arrived. I showed up at her salon and it was kinda awkward. I mean, for years I’d been seeing her for all things above the neckline and now I had to get naked and bare all.
“Um.” I looked at the wall. “What do I do now?”
“Well, do you want a Brazilian?
“Sure!” Brazilians are sexy! And I speak a bit of Portuguese.
She smiled. “Then take everything off and get on the table!”
I think I blushed. I got undressed (except for my black wife-beater) and climbed onto the table. I lay there all exposed as she went about her business. I think she was melting wax or something. It was strange to just lay there on the bed in my tank-top, with my hoo-ha all out in the open for the world to see. Except she wasn’t the world, she was just this lady with whom I’d discussed daycare and the weather.
Then she slapped the hot wax all over my privates. At first I was a bit embarrassed, but after about ten minutes I just wanted it over with. I was holding parts open for her so she could get in real good. She’s really detail oriented. Leave no valley untouched and all of that. Then she was done. Olá!
So now I’m clean and pure. Are you?
August 30th, 2007 at 1:43 am
You know I’m not a big fan of Bush. Hair or president.
And you know I’ve never had a bikini wax either. Honestly. I think if I was making lots of money and had some wildly crazy sex life (okay, if I had a sex life at all) I’d probably do it. But I don’t and I’m not.
So right now I get along fine in trusting Venus not to chop me up to all hell.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:53 am
I got my first wax shortly after my 18th birthday and I’ve never looked back. I don’t do the brazillian. I do the sphinx (yes, TMI but then again you had a picture of my bahzongas on your blog. LOL!)
August 30th, 2007 at 1:57 am
I’ve never done the wax bit. I’ve heard once you start you can never stop. I just can’t imagine sharing all of that, ahem.
But I’m glad you shared that. I really, really am.
August 30th, 2007 at 5:22 am
OK, I’ve had my ass waxed (joys of hormonal disorders involving way too much testosterone) but not a full brazilian… so I gotta ask: How bad did it hurt?
I shave down there regularly, and it gets annoying. But, I don’t wanna go doing something that’s gonna hurt like a mofo.
Shelli: Venus sucks. Pick up a Schick razor instead. They have vertical guards across the blades so it is impossible to do anything more than lightly nick yourself. (Trust me on this. I’ve been using this razor for over two years, with no problems, and I still have scars from my Venus.)
August 30th, 2007 at 9:19 am
No. No no no. Nope, Nada, negatory. If a woman came at me with a razor or wax or asked me to let it all hang out, I’d have to take her out. And I don’t mean for dinner, either.
Different strokes and all that — for me, the whole wax thing gives me major icks, but then again, I’m not very hairy in the first place — the joy of an Anglican/German ancestry, I guess. I’m traumatized enough just going for a yearly exam.
Sam
August 30th, 2007 at 9:25 am
I should have said woman OR man in that previous post — just no freakin’ way.
LOL Sam
August 30th, 2007 at 10:23 am
I like a Brazilian once in a while, but I’m like Shel. I prefer Bush. Just a little, and trimmed up.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:27 am
You’re so brave!
I used to get waxed - not Brazilian, just for the beach - until I had a particularly bad waxing experience where it hurt like a mofo. Haven’t been back.
The Brazilian intrigues me. My sister works as a bookkeeper in a salon and gets free services, and they keep trying to talk her into getting a Brazilian. She hasn’t, simply because the waxers seem so eager…
August 30th, 2007 at 11:19 am
August 30th, 2007 at 11:19 am
Ooooh Nonny! Wouldnt getting your ass waxed hurt more than getting your hoo-ha waxed?
August 30th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
They wax asses??
No, no thank you. This bird stays in the bush.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
Shelli, I was a Venus girl, too. But I have to say it’s kina nice not worrying about it. And, it’s all smooth and clean. Like me.
Emma, what the heck’s a sphinx? Sounds ingtruiging! Do tell. Never
around here.
Karen, you know I’m here to please you.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
When you say had your ass waxed, are talking like your, um, upper or inner part? Cause if you had the, ahem, anus area waxed, I promise you’ve experienced the worst.
LOL, Sam! The thing is, I have no shame. I’m like that Madonna song. I’m on fire!
Julie, LOL about your sister! Why was your experience so bad? We like to know.
Now the TMI part. The only part it really hurt was ’cause I made her get every last hair. I’m talking the inner area and everything. I’ll just say it. Having one’s clitoral area waxed hurts like a son of a bitch. But Nonny had her ass waxed, so I it can’t be worse than that.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
That sentence up there made no sense at all. I need coffee.
I never get to use that one.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
Just don’t try doing it yourself.
Trust me.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
LOL, Seely. I can just imagine.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
OOOOOOOOOOMG I’m just rolling right now.
Nonny I used that Venus with the lotion/soap around it. Cut the sh*t out of my leg. I still have scars. I think I’ll definitely check out that Schick one.
I’m a ‘nothing but a patch at the top’ kind of girl. LOL. So if I got a wax I’d be doing what Feisty does!
Oh and I googled sphinx.
The Sphinx (or the Full Bikini Wax) - It’s all taken off. Everywhere. Everything. Bald.
Good to know, Emma
August 30th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Actually, she left me with this kind of moustache thing. Next time I’m going for the landing strip. Masbe I’ll get yellow cones tattooed next to it.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
they have this stuff….in the black haircare products called Denman powder? that you mix with water. I used to use that. Stuff cotton in my cooch and spread it all around and sit on the edge of the tub waiting for hair to melt. It was kind of a PITA (figuratively speaking) but I bet it hurt less than getting wax around your clitty
August 30th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
Okay I know I shouldn’t be laughing. But seriously? you let a woman with scalding hot wax approach your hoo-ha (as emma so eloquently put it) and yank off everything that wasn’t permanently attached. I’ve had my eyebrows waxed. It hurts. If someone told me to go Brazilian I’d either be heading for Carnivale or I’d tell them to
Mad props to Feisty who is WAY more couragous then I am.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
You couldn’t have come up with a better topic, Feist. I’m loving all of this - it’s making me laugh and I need a laugh today!
August 30th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
Has anyone tried waxing at home? Like Sally Hansen? On their, cough, hoo ha?
August 30th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
I’ve waxed my eyebrows, lip, etc for years…the upside is the more you do it, the less hair you have but waxing cooch. I dunno…..shelli I’d think not. I mean can you immagine ripping wax off your own hoo-ha?
August 30th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Okay I am at work right now and laughing my ass off. Love to make my co-workers wonder…
Just thinking about having my clitoral area waxed makes me want to pass out. In fact, I had considered having a Brazilian one of these days until I read that! OW.
Feisty, I don’t know why my experience was so bad. Maybe it was the wax? Or the waxer? It just tore through me.
I need to know two things: How long does the silky smoothness “last” before you need to go back, and does the clitoral area waxing hurt more than childbirth?
August 30th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
You know, I never understood the whole waxing thing from a sexual point of view before. I asked a friend of mine (yes he’s a man) what the deal was. Why would you want your woman to look like a 12 year old girl? He said, well, you wouldn’t feel like a 12 year old girl with my tongue on your pussy.
Enough said, I started waxing immediately!
August 30th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
Amie, that is quite the visual. Pita pussy.
Dana, not only did I not run away, I paid them to do it. I’m always paying someone to hurt me.
Karen, is the man-child still sick?
Julie, clitoral waxing does not hurt worse than childbirth. I have a theory about childbirth. It’s God way of saying, “Don’t get pregnant! It really hurts to push another human being out of your velvet love passage!” But I digress. Waxing around your love button isn’t that bad. And, it’s over in like a second. And one week later, it’s silkier than ever.
Samanta,
August 30th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
I didn’t get to push a child out of my… velvet love passage… omg Feisty, where did you come up with this!? Mine was cut out. Though I did go through all of labor. I thought it was kind of cool. A test of a woman’s strength.
I so digressed.
August 31st, 2007 at 6:21 pm
velvet love passage?
I think childbirth is really nature’s way of telling OTHER women not to get pregnant. I was at ground zero with my best friend when my god-daughter was born. If they had been giving out free sterilization in the hallway when I walked out of that room I would have signed up. Immediately.
(and she’s having ANOTHER one in december)
September 3rd, 2007 at 1:18 am
gawd, I feel like such a voyeur… I must admit, this is an area that has that whole Fascination Street thing for a guy. I mean, waxing is about as far off my horizon as it gets. I get “40 Year Old Virgin” flashes.
I’m totally curious how long it lasts, Feisty…
September 3rd, 2007 at 10:53 am
Boy, I really missed some excitement over here! Y’all had me falling out of my chair laughing. You really have a way with words.
Um. No waxing for moi. Thank-you! I, too, would have to take out anybody that came at me with hot wax.
I’m also wondering how long it’s going to last and when the ingrown hairs are going to start…Yikes!
Those Venus things should be registered as lethal weapons and that’s all I’m going to say on that subject.
September 5th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
How’d I miss this? Sheesh. I’ll hop on the Schick (Intuition) whups Venus bandwagon. Pass on the wax, even if it means a 5 o’clock shadow.