My own worst enemy by Emma Petersen
So I’ve had a super sucky week. I mean it was the suckiest of the sucky. It couldn’t have sucked more if I was an intern and the president was visiting. (I’m Emma Petersen by the way. I’m the first Paranormal chick to come and visit NAS. *waves*)
So I did what I usually do when I’m feeling sucktastic. I pulled out my mp3 player and started to listen to my favorite songs. When Lit’s (mmmm A. Jay Popoff) My Own Worst Enemy came on, it hit me.
It’s no surprise to me
I am my own worst enemy
‘Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me
Can we forget about the things I said
when I was drunk
I didn’t mean to call you that
This is totally me. I mean not the drunk part or the name calling part but the kicking the living shit out of myself part.
Are you your own worst enemy? Do you not stop to celebrate your accomplishments? But push yourself on, harder and faster? More! More! More! (Hush up nasties! I’m not talking about that!)
I am my own worst enemy. When I first sold my first novella, I didn’t have the squee moment a lot of people do. Instead, I went on to set unreasonable, unrealistic goals for myself and ride my poor muse like she was a working girl and I was a sailor who just got shore leave.
Well, I guess I must have temporarily broken something with all my demands. I usually can kick out a 10-15k novella in under two days but for the last week I’ve started and stopped no less than 6 stories.
I started the next book in my best selling Dragon Kin series.
I started the next TWO books in my best selling The Girl’s Guide to Dating the Evil Undead Series.
AND started 3 or 4 other stand alone novellas.
So what was my problem? Well, I pushed myself too far too fast and as a good friend/mentor said, “Give yourself a break. You don’t have to write a sequel to anything. Calm down and think about something that sounds fun to write.”
Can three sentences change your way of thinking? Think about something that sounds fun to write. Since I’ve started actively pursuing publication, I’ve written stories with many goals and motivations in mind but not once did I ever give myself permission to write something just because it was fun. Not once.
See. My own worst enemy…but why? Why can’t some of us relax and just enjoy what we are so privileged to do. I know goals are good and I they make us all warm and tingly when we meet them, but what would happen if we failed to make one or two? Would the world end? Would your career? Probably not.
So am I alone out here in blogland? Are you your own worst enemy?
August 17th, 2007 at 1:44 am
I am absolutely my own worst enemy. I set myself up, fixate on past events that changed me for the better or the worse, and generally make my life a living hell. I certainly need no help with this.
This is human nature. At least, it’s my human nature.
August 17th, 2007 at 2:43 am
I probably have to agree. I’m my own worst enemy. I swear I need to read The Secret daily so I’ll avoid telling myself how much I suck.
I think when you do push really hard, sometimes you need a month off. That’s about where I am right now. I’m plugging along slow, but am giving myself August to take my time. September, the shot has been fired and I am off!
August 17th, 2007 at 5:55 am
Emma, I can SO relate. After persuing publication for so long, now that I’ve sold, I haven’t really let myself celebrate either. I’ve already planned what the next three stories I’ll be working on are, and in what order I’ll be writing them…
That said, I have been letting myself write some fun, different stuff. I haven’t gotten into writing any series…and maybe that’s a good thing.
Give yourself a break. Even letting yourself write a fun short story might make all the difference. Good luck hon.
August 17th, 2007 at 6:22 am
ride my poor muse like she was a working girl and I was a sailor who just got shore leave.
That was hilarious. I try to take things slow but overload the goal part of my brain quite often!
Kissa
August 17th, 2007 at 6:33 am
Awh, honey. Have a hug on me. Even working girls need a day off sometimes. Send those sailors back to sea.
August 17th, 2007 at 7:15 am
My husband is always accusing me of this. I’m always harder on myself and than anyone else, and no matter what I do, it’s never good enough.
August 17th, 2007 at 8:23 am
August 17th, 2007 at 8:39 am
Emma, I think this is a wall a lot of writers hit at some point, and the smart thing is that you know it. You listened to your mentor, and you made a change, you were aware of how your workhorse (workwhore? LOL) habits were hurting you, and you changed them. So good for you! Yes, stop beating yourself up for being absolutely normal and human. Writing is a creative act, not a production line — if you wanted to work on an assembly line, you’d be in a factory, right?
I went through a similar crash last year when I wrote a bunch of stuff and nothing was selling, and I almost quit — well, I did quit, mentally, for about 24 hours. Then I realized that the “make a sale” treadmill wasn’t what would build my career (or my sanity). Good writing would build my career, and for that, I needed to be relaxed and open to ideas, and take my time writing them.
I’m much more relaxed about my writing now, and I simply refuse to put myself under unmanageable schedules. I realized if I’m in this for the long haul, which I am, then it’s about quality of writing, and quality of life. I’m so much happier now, and the writing is back on track, and I hope it is for you, too.
hugs
Sam
August 17th, 2007 at 8:51 am
Hey Emma! I see you’re out of the Dark today.
I think we can all relate to this. Having a hectic writing schedule is something I do to myself every single day!
Just take breaks as you need them. ;)
August 17th, 2007 at 11:51 am
First of all let me say that I love you. Because you described riding your muse like a sailor who just got shore leave.
I know exactly what you mean - I’m in that moment right now. I have so much on my plate and I just got over being sick. I beat myself up the entire time I felt bad about losing writing time and it was ridiculous. But I set myself up for more, more, more (and no I’m not referring to the nasties either, LOL) and I’m afraid if I keep going at this pace I’m going to crash and burn.
So next month is going to be a little more lax for me. Hopefully.
August 17th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
No, you’re definitely not alone out here in blogland! I know I have always been my own worst enemy and will most likely always be.
August 18th, 2007 at 9:24 am
Oh yeah. I’m always way too hard on myself.
A habit I was taught most carefully and thoroughly growing up and I still haven’t shaken those bad lessons off.
August 18th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
Emma I think we can ALL relate. The downside, no matter how you’re your own worst enemy, is burnout. You not only suck the joy out of your writing, but your life. You’re miserable and that’s no way to work. It’s taken me …damn… a really long time to get to the point where I can let go of a lot of the pressure I put on myself. You have to realize that so much of what we pressure ourselves about is…BULLSHIT. So definitely ease up, relax, have a good time, give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to not write, give yourself permision to write shit, give yourself permission to write something just because, not because it has to go to publisher a or publisher b or whatever but just becauase you WANT to write it.
August 19th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
Yep, that’s me. So me. I forget to stop and smell the roses.
August 20th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Yep….I know that once I was published, I wanted More, More, More! I simply can’t write fast enough. I’m thinking 10-15K in two days!!! You are a goddess!
But don’t be too hard on yourself. And if you write something “fun”, I guarantee I’ll read it!!:popcorn:
August 20th, 2007 at 11:41 pm
Wow. I hear you. I’m my own worst enemy. When I’m writing, I feel guilty because I’m (a) not working on my day job (b) not spending time with my loved ones (c) not taking care of my fitness/diet regime (d) letting the housework go to hell and (e) never committing enough, and never writing enough, no matter how much I actually commit/write.
The flipside is that when I’m doing any of the (a) thru (d) activities, I feel guilty that I’m not writing!
Sigh. It’s a mad, mad world.