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Newsday Tuesday

Since Amie is taking the summer off from blogging, we’ll fill in Tuesday’s with some kind of news story that you may or may not give shit about

And speaking of shit….

Tuesday News:

Naked Man Rescued from Porta-Potty

Rescue crews in Pennsylvania had to cut apart a portable potty to save a naked, drunk man who had somehow lodged himself inside the “holding tank.”

According to authorities, the 31-year-old man got drunk, removed his clothes, got stuck inside the “potty,” then called 911 on his cell phone. He was charged with public drunkenness and violating the health code.

Baby, bye, bye

shelli

Like my little boy band title line do ya? No?

Well, everyone, I’m actually on a plane right about now heading for Disneyland!!! Sadly, no more seeing Karen  cause of a strep throat incident. But better safe than sorry, and I’ll see her next month in San Fran!

So since I’m not ‘really’ here, I didn’t want to do some big deep post that I can’t return to chat with you about. So instead, how about some gas humor? No, not that kind of gas, gas for your car!! Or maybe you’d already guessed.

Video Saturday

So I was attempting to dance tonight (this is Shelli typing) and was not complimented on my moves. This reminded me of a scene in Never Been Kissed that cracks me the hell up. This is right after Drew Barrymore eats a pot brownie.

Apparently I needed to drink more

shelli

We’ve been on about the 80’s a lot. And my topic kind of incorporates that as well. I remember growing up in the 80’s and having all these weird dreams. Scary dreams. And these weird images in my head. I never really knew where they came from.

Well, tonight at a party I think I figured it out. We were knocking back a few drinks and eating way too much, when someone decided to put on a movie. It was a movie I hadn’t seen since I was a wee little kid, but for some reason I remembered the theme song. I would sing this song…and I would occassionally–through out my lifetime–scream out the one line from the movie I remembered…Bastian, call my name. Anyone got it yet? Maybe the big flying dog with the glittery scales will remind you.

Dirty Night before Christmas

I was going to add the traditional Night Before Christmas on our blog today, but realized that’s not very naughty or spicy. So the clean one goes on my blog, and the dirty one goes here (where we seldom behave). I had to do a brief search of the net to find this gem, but it was worth it. Enjoy you dirty birdies!

“Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,
“The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay here awhile.”
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,A dildo so long, it lay in a
coil.

“This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I’ll leave ‘em here, and then I’ll just split.”
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, “Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!”

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
“The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!”

:hump:

Merry Kissmas!

amie

FROM MYSELF AND THE REST OF THE NAUGHTY AND SPICE GIRLS WE’D LIKE TO WISH YOU ALL A HAPPY AND SAFE HOLIDAY AND A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

AMIE

PS I was going to post a dirty pic but Shelli wouldn’t let me! :thumb:

Yeah Yeah Merry Merry…

karen

Well I survived another Christmas (just barely) and I’m so brain dead I can barely see straight, let alone think. And oh boy, I get to do this all over again tonight when my parents come to visit! Aaaaaahhh…..

I hope you all had a merry and bright day yesterday if you celebrate Christmas – heck even if you don’t, I hope you had a merry and bright day. Now I’m gonna go rest up for another crazy round of opening presents/cleaning up the mess that happens when my children get near the wrapped gifts.

Save me now people!

I had a holly, naughty, vibrating Christmas…

feisty_c
Well, I was so totally stoked to hear all your vibrator stories! Wasn’t that fun? Now I want you all to know that, just because a girl can never have too many vibes, this year I got two new vibrators from Santa! I love Santa, and I’ll be thinking about him when I’m coming bathing in my big, jet-filled tub later on this week. Thank, you Santa! Here’s a little peek at my new best friend! Behold, the dolphin!

Midnight kisses…or Shelli wishes

shelli
Well, since it’s New Year’s Eve and you may all be out partying (or maybe later) I’ll keep this short.

First off, here’s just a few of my resolutions…

To think positively
To reduce my carbon footprint (isn’t that how they say it?)
To pay off my debt and add to my daughter’s savings account
To at least kiss one–maybe two–men this year (I am in the dry spell from hell–self imposed)
To work my butt off to get into New York and be a good President of the Seattle RWA chapter
To get my body into a healthy state
To pay it forward
To be a better mom

Anyone want to share their resolution?

And before I go. I love old Meg Ryan movies. Looove them. I think a lot of my writing is probably inspired from them. And this little video is so appropriate for today, and even just watching the brief clip I started crying. So here, for your enjoyment on New Year’s Eve, is the final scene in When Harry Met Sally. If you can get past the big hair, you just might cry, too. Please watch it! Share the moment with me *Sigh*
:cloud9:

Beth Kerry Winner

I hope everyone is having a lovely Mother’s Day!! I apologize for drawing this so late–I had a book signing that pretty much ate up all of yesterday. And the first person I drew…er Random.org chose was #6 Shelli.

Going to try again. BRB

Second time’s the charm!! Random.org sleected #14 RACHIEG You’ve won your choice of Shelli’s print books available from amazon.com.